I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
false alarm, still single
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
