Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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