can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
