y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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