I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So apparently I’m into choking now
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
