Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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