Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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