I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
it glows. i had to have it.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
