There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
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This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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