please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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