You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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