pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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