I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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