she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
