The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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