My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
