I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
