I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
