How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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