The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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