I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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