Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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