I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
