the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
