He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I checked into jail on foursquare
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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