I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
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I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
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If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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