Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
