I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
