My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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