i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
