her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
