PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
