just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
