No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
worst night to have a conscience
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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