i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
