She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
