if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
