update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
