I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
