so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My vagina just clenched in fear
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
