On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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