Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
