I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
