I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
