If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i dont even know how to be here
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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