omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
zippers are such a cool invention
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
