the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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