you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
