What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
