I could make wine with my vomit
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
