I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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